Between the holidays, extended family get-togethers, and end-of-year pushes at work, it’s easy to find yourself fuming at people and things that you can’t really control. We’ve already talked about how to look at getting upset as a gift, but today, we just wanted to give you a quick list of things you can do in the moment to make yourself whole again when stressful situations arise this holiday season.
Take A Deep Breath
Getting more oxygen into your body when you are upset slows stress responses. Your muscles need oxygen to feel good. Deep breathing helps your body shake those rigid, uptight positions we fall into when we’re stressed (think tight shoulders, clenched jaws) and relax.
Write a Letter and then Throw it Out
If your boss made you stay late at the office and you have piles of holiday shopping to do and you are absolutely in the 10th realm of being irritated with time constraints, write a letter to your boss. Let them have it! Get it all out and then throw those negative feelings away, get your work done and head to the mall. You’ll enjoy your evening more, even if you end up getting home an hour later than you planned, if your not dwelling on how your boss screwed up your day.
Think Twice Before Complaining
It’s so easy to use complaints as way to converse with others, people do it all the time. But complaining is just another way of reliving what’s bothering you. This can have a cumulative effect on your mood. The more you complain about something, the more your dwelling on it. Next time you feel the impulse to complain, change the subject on yourself and talk about something positive instead.
Find a Little Support When You Need it
Sometimes when things seem really bad and you are stuck around people who just simply aren’t good for you (like a negative relative you only see during the holidays, for example) take a break. Find the positive people in your current life who make you feel great. Give them a call, send them a message on Facebook, or call someone for coffee. Reminding yourself that there are people out there who care about you can do wonders for any type of angry funk.
Category Happiness |
We’re already approaching the second week of December and the year is beginning to close. Like most people, you’re probably hectic and busy wrapping up year-end projects at work, finding time for your family as you meet deadlines, and squeezing in holiday parties and social obligations. There’s probably not much time to be thinking about yourself right now.
However, if you get a quiet moment while watching the snow fall or driving through sparkling light-filled neighborhoods, think back on your 2011. Did you accomplish what you wanted? Maybe you accomplished something completely unexpected? How would you rate your satisfaction with the general way things are going? These are just trigger questions to get you to start thinking about your recent past life—it’s just too easy to get caught up in day-to-day activities to even notice your life sometimes.
As we all get ready to take on a new year, pay close attention to your answers to the questions above. If they left you wanting more, you might benefit from coaching in 2012.
Try continuing your own discovery process with the following questions:
• Am I ready to entertain new perspectives?
• Am I ready to be who I need to be to create the life I want?
• Am I willing to be held accountable for what I desire in my life?
If you answered yes to all three but feel a nagging struggle within that keeps you from ACTING, contact me today.
Tags: partnership
Category Partnership |
Last week we talked a lot about feeling upset and what you can do to see that feeling as a gift and an opportunity for self discovery. Today, we’re going to talk about the cause of most upset feelings. Every time someone upsets you, or you have an argument, or think someone else’s behavior is completely out of line it’s almost always because they have different values from you.
Once you begin to see your relationships both personal and professional as two intricate sets of values interacting with each other, it’s easier to remain calm and not upset. It’s also a lot easier to see a situation from another person’s point of view if you can see their differing opinion is a result of a lifetime of them believing and valuing something totally opposite from you. For example, you may value public education and your husband, private school. Or at work, you might value an organized step-by-step process to methodically reach a goal, but your business partner believes in working under pressure and waiting until a deadline in approaching before he jumps in to action.
You can see how differing values can cause most of the problems in anyone’s life. Sometimes it’s just small differences of opinions, but sometimes not knowing your values or continually surrounding yourself with people who do not share any of your values can actually begin to slowly erode at your sense of well-being.
A simple first step to figuring out what your values are is to pick 10 words from the group of words to the right and then prioritize them from most important to least important. (Click the image to enlarge.) If you want to get your partner involved, have them do the same and see where you match.
If you would like to go into further detail about your values, or if you’re simply having trouble picking out what you value from our list, call me for a free consultation.
Click here for my website that details how I help people everyday to discover what they believe in and then live their lives according to those values.
Tags: Core Values
Category Core Values |
Lots of things tend to upset us: other people’s behavior, our behavior, time pressures, work, family….LIFE!
Is there a gift in being upset?
Being upset about something signals the opportunity to learn more about yourself and your world-view. If you are willing to take an honest look inside and ask yourself some tough questions, you can unleash the power of greater self-awareness.
When we get upset there is usually one of two things going on. One, there is an underlying value or need that is not being honored in our lives or two, there is a part of us that we are working so hard to avoid that we see it clearly in other people.
For example, if time pressures and obligations are really stressing you out, perhaps you have a huge need for freedom in your life that is not being honored. If you find yourself dreading social outings and feeling crowded even by those you love, maybe you need more time for yourself.
When you feel the emotional charge of being upset about outside circumstances, take a deep breath and ask yourself a couple questions: What need or value of mine is being stepped on here? What is important about (what’s upsetting me)?
Secondly, if someone is being rude and obnoxious, maybe that display is bumping up against a part of you that gets hidden. It doesn’t mean that you are rude and obnoxious but it may mean that you avoid that behavior to a point that it doesn’t serve you. Maybe there is something to learn from someone who doesn’t care what other’s think. You could ask yourself: Where in my life do I sacrifice what I want in order to avoid being seen as rude? What is the cost of always being nice?
You can’t control traffic, time, or other people’s behavior but you can control your reaction. Viewing your emotional charge as a gift and an opportunity to learn something important about yourself and what you need can significantly shift your awareness and quality of life.
So, take a deep breath when you feel upset and ask your wise inner-self for more information. By working with a life coach, you can uncover your unique set of values and needs and create a life that honors what makes you magnificent and special.
Do whatever it takes to be aware of what you need, notice how you feel when your needs are not being met and most importantly, be first in line to honor your values and meet your own needs even if it means being a little obnoxious.
Tags: Authentic Self
Category Authentic Self |
As Thanksgiving draws near, your thoughts may be turning to giving thanks. But there’s another reason to count your blessings. If you struggle with self confidence, taking a turn for the better and recognizing what you have instead of what you don’t have is a big part of feeling good about who you are. Along with feeling gratitude for what you DO have, learning to accept the things that make you unique will bring you closer to being the self-confident person you want to be. But how exactly do you flip the switch from negative thought patterns to positive attitude changes?
First, you need to identify your insecurities. Pay attention to what makes you feel inferior. It might help to write specific situations and feelings down. It can also help to then rip these notes up and throw them away. The physical action of throwing away your insecurities might help you to toss them out of your consciousness for good.
Second, you have to accept what you can’t change about yourself. You can’t change your past. Sometimes you can’t change your circumstances, and you definitely can’t change your personality. Accepting yourself as you are today is the most positive thing you can do to build a foundation for a confident tomorrow.
Third, you must accept that life is full of hills and valleys. Even the most confident people in the world have to navigate bumps in the road.
Lastly, be thankful for what you have and that includes your successes and what you are good at. You have talents and skills that are valuable to society. The more accurately you identify them and nurture them the more self confident you will feel. Over time these talents and skills will become your passion and your insecurities will become a distant memory. Imagine how grateful you’ll be then for just a little bit of thought readjustment now.
I specialize in helping clients identify and obliterate insecurities. If you think you’d benefit from coaching click here.
Tags: Personal Insights
Category Confidence |
It’s easy to fall into a daily routine that feels so comfortable you could do it your sleep. Alarm, coffee, commute, work, dinner, playtime with the kids, The Late Show and then back to same thing tomorrow. When things get a little stale it’s good to remind yourself that there’s small things you can do to invigorate you soul without taking a vacation from your life.
Wake Up Early
Even Aristotle practiced waking up early to increase his productivity. Waking up early not only allows you to get an extra hour or two of being productive, but in many households you’ll be the only one up to enjoy some quiet time and reflect on your coming day and what you can do to make the most out of it. If you need help waking up early, click here.
Take a Different Route Home
Commutes either by foot and train in a city or in a car on the freeway can suck the life out of your day. Traffic, dreary scenery, and crowds cause stress and a feeling of running the rat race. Find a reason to take a different route to or from work at least once a week. This could mean signing up for a cooking class, going to a jazz club for happy hour, going to the gym or even taking an early morning walk at a park in another part of town. Sure, it takes a little effort, but it’ll spice up your day and you may discover something new about yourself.
Do Something You are Afraid Of
If you tend to pass on leading meetings at work, or always let someone else take a leadership role instead of you, try doing the opposite of what you normally would do. Take on something new and be in charge of a team or project. The skills you’ll gain and use will teach you something new about yourself and give you the confidence to keep trying new things, which can lead to a new life passion or career. And that’s what seizing the day is all about in the end.
Tags: happiness, Personal Insights
Category Happiness, Insights |
Everyone has experienced the anxiety of shyness at some point. Even extroverts can feel shy and insecure in social situations. You may already have a handle on your shyness or you may be stuck in a self-analyzing rut that keeps you from enjoying your social commitments and even family time.
According to Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute, shyness has three components:
- Excessive Self-Consciousness – you are overly aware of yourself, particularly in social situations.
- Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation – you tend to see yourself negatively.
- Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation – you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people.
Feeling overly self-aware or overly self-aware with negative self-crriticism can make you avoid certain groups of people and social situations. This avoidance behavior then negatively impacts your goals in life. If you tend to avoid situations that make you feel uncomfortable, you run the risk of isolating yourself in a comfort zone that will keep you from moving towards your true self.
Try the following to help you feel more comfortable around others (who, by the way, are just as wrapped up in their own insecurities they’ll hardly notice yours.)
Five Ways to Push Through Shyness and Insecurity
- Exercise – Anxiety can be relieved by literally burning off your nervous energy. Try beginner’s Yoga, jogging, speed-walking or swimming. Start with 3 workouts a week and try to build up to 5.
- Go on a self-date – Get to know yourself. Instead of doing what’s “in,” make a list of three things you love and find an activity, art fair, movie, dinner, or whatever you’re into and take the time to enjoy this completely on your own. You’ll feel satisfied and proud of yourself for nurturing something you love.
- Recognize that the world is NOT always looking at you – remember to tell yourself that the people you are worried about have their own anxieties that they are focused on, not you.
- Don’t conform – If you’re trying to be like everyone else, you’re probably not that good at it because it’s not YOU. This can be exhausting and when you make a mistake trying to be someone you’re not you’ll cause even more anxiety for yourself.
- Don’t leave an uncomfortable situation – This only reinforces your shyness. Instead, face your fears and look within, ask yourself why the situation bothers you and what you can do about it so you can breakthrough the triggers and put them to rest for good.
Tags: Authentic Self, Confidence, shyness
Category Authentic Self, Confidence, Shyness |
We often romanticize the past and think this is how things should be done today. If we grew up a certain way, our children should too. If our relationships from before played out in certain ways, the relationships we’re in today will turn out the same. This type of nostalgic thinking, whether positive or negative, only does one thing: It creates expectations of what SHOULD be or SHOULD happen in the future.
The problem with expectations and “shoulds” is that they very rarely happen the way you are imagining them. Pursuing these high expectations often leads to resentment and unfair responsibilities forced on the people around you. It can cause stress and unhappiness because what your trying to do is control your future.
This is not to say that you can’t pursue your path to true happiness and that a fulfilled future does not await you. What you want for yourself is not a day dream or fantasy, BUT to achieve this you have to let go of the expectations that your mind has created for you. Part of becoming your authentic self means letting go of the past and seeing what’s at your disposal in the present — NOW, TODAY — to help you have tomorrows that are way BETTER than you expected.
If you are having difficulties with past experiences clouding your sunny future, call me for a free consultation. I can teach you tactics and new patterns of thinking that will get you over the hump.
Category Authentic Self, Human Potential |
If you are a perfectionist who wants to be more relatable, likeable, and more relaxed, try to find one thing every day that you can let be.
For example, it’s 8:30 in the morning, you’re dressed to kill and happily eating buttered toast as you email an absolutely genius presentation to your boss for your 9:00 meeting. You’re humming along until you look in the mirror: There is a significant coffee stain on your starched white shirt and it’s your last clean shirt. You could make yourself 15 minutes late (and unduly stressed) in an effort to remove the stain, or you could simply let it go. Your presentation is so amazing no one is going to notice your shirt, right?
Or another example, you’re expecting company, and the house is perfect except for a new pile of clutter in the den. Instead of a rushed argument with whoever left the mess and creating an air of tension with your family, make the decision to be imperfect.
People like other people who are HUMAN. It’s easier to connect with someone who commits the same flaws as everyone else. Many people’s first reaction to a “perfect” person is to close themselves off in an effort to protect their own imperfections. Since we all have them, why not try showing one on occasion? It’ll save you worry, and you’ll make deeper connections with the people around you.
Tags: Authentic Self, Confidence, Control
Category Authentic Self, Confidence, Control |
One of the mot cited health stories out this week was a study conducted at Brigham Young University showing that materialistic couples typically have more difficult marriages. But it’s not what you think. It’s not about trying to keep up with Joneses. It’s about seeking happiness through possessions instead of through social interaction and personal relationships.
In a materialistic culture like ours, many of us believe that we can broadcast our individuality through possessions. But trying to find your authentic self through consuming only takes you on a never-ending quest for the unattainable. There will always be a new product/image for you to chase.
Finding and expressing your individuality—which most also say leads to true happiness—comes with the actions you take, not the stuff you buy. Learning to take actions that express your unique individuality is where the road to fulfillment begins.
Homework assignment: The next time you feel you have to buy something that reflects who you are, go ahead and buy it. THEN, try volunteering for an organization that also reflects a personal philosophy you hold dear. See which one feels better a week later.
Tags: Authentic Self, happiness
Category Authentic Self, Happiness |
